“I’m fat.” That disgusting, tiny, evil sentence. Those two words, can ruin an entire day.
After years of fighting this fat mind battle. I am constantly reminding myself. ‘I have fat, I’m not fat, because there is so much more to me and to every other human out there. A heart, kindness, humor, strength, a mind that knows better.’
Everyday I wake up, aiming to be better, to start right and end better. Exercise, sweat, fresh air, breakfast, be active, pay attention, learn, eat clean foods, sleep well. Do it all over again. Gosh, that is easy to write. Today is a day I went to war with myself. After so many good days, I am reminded that this isn’t over.
Sweat – Tick. Walk the dog – Tick. Berries – Tick. And then what’s a spoonful of peanut butter followed by more spoonful’s, Just the start of a disgusting binge. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control it. Here I am, still needed more food, and hating myself for the damage already done. The binging and the vomiting. It sucks. It breaks my heart that this self destruction consumes me. Not nearly as much as it once did.
I remember the times I wouldn’t socialize, because socializing was calories, and calories meant more exercise, I already worked too hard to lose weight, I couldn’t possibly enjoy food and burn enough calories to be able to socialize. The days I would fill my stomach with water and measure my breakfast, so it was just enough to feel I had eaten but not enough to sustain my body. I lost myself to weight. I lost what I love because I feared fat, I type this with regret, and in hope that if you suffer at all, that you fight every day to not let this consume you. I stopped eating with my family, because I couldn’t afford to be judged, or commented on I was in a battle with one player, that was myself. So instead of laughing with my family at dinner, I went and ate dinner in my room. Away from the people that love me more than I could ever love myself. I stopped going places with friends, because friends eat, I couldn’t afford to be suprised with food, I was on a mission. When you say ‘no’ enough, people stop asking. I went into my own little place, that only I understood, away from anything that could interfere.
I’m lucky that when my self destruction was successful, and I was thin and unhealthy, the people I pushed so far away, the ones that loved me for who I was and not what I looked like, pulled me closer. It hasn’t ended, but I do not look bulimic anymore, so only I know the weight of this game. Just like today, I will wake up and try and treat my body more like a temple and less like a garbage. I will think about my health over my thighs. I will do better, aim to work harder, be stronger and tomorrow I will breathe in fresh air, and I will laugh a little. Because this is life, and I will be damned if I carry this self hate to the grave.
For anybody reading this, you are loved. Not for your weight, not for anything you see when you look into a mirror. You are loved for everything you cannot see. You are loved for everything that makes you, you. You are light, do not let the darkness take you.
Because since when do you decide whether a person is worthy of your friendship purely on their appearance?
To anyone that suffers the endless mind games of self destruction, in whichever form it may be, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and god decided he needed one of you.
You are resilient, you are special, you are valued, you are powerful, you are love and you are capable of more than you can ever imagine.
The person I depend on most in life. The person that is straight up, tells you how it was, how it is, how it’s going to be and tells you if you need to touch up your make up or that you need to change outfit.
Brutally honest, sarcastic, witty, absolutely hilarious, my sunlight and starlight in any and all circumstances.
To my best friend, thank you, for listening in every situation. Thank you for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for making me laugh till I can’t breathe. Thank you for not only putting up with me, but carrying my life on your shoulders. Thank you for being my support and confidant during the tough times and making life a good time, all the time. Thank you for reminding me of my worth, and that I belong when I feel lost in the big world. Thank you for walking this life with me.
I don’t think you will ever understand my gratitude towards you, for being you, everyday. Or the joy, seeing you walk into any room and have everybody laughing, or when your crying at yourself before you’ve even finished your joke. You are my person, my favourite person. My biggest encouragement and the devil’s sidekick.
If there is anything I can’t live without in life, it’s you. I hope that I will be half as good of a human as you are to me. You are my strength in life.
May you continue to shine bright, and light up the room as you have always done.
Your Cj x
Uhh the place that has truly stole a special place in my heart. Very few places that feel like home when it’s not your home. But. California. I seem to be always California Dreaming
This has been the place that keeps calling me back, over the past twelve months I have managed to return endlessly, whilst travelling around America and Central America although I love it and leave it constantly, leaving never gets easier.
One day I shall call California Home!
My first blog post is meant to tell you, about me. Although I find humans are so complex how am I suppose to possibly describe myself when I am constantly changing, in each environment I am different. How can I tell you I am confident? When I am sitting at job interview, and it feels like the room is lacking oxygen and each word I speak feels like there will be vomit that follows. That the room is instantly shrinking. I am getting hotter and the air is getting thicker. Though if you put me amongst strangers I will ask them a million and one questions.
Therefor I will give you the facts, as of right now I am 23 years old, far from my home and my family in Melbourne, Australia. My favourite thing in this world is my cat. I have the most chaotic and insane, yet incredible and supporting family. I have these beautiful friends that continue to inspire me each day and continue to be better humans than I could ever be.
Insert life story in between. Blah blah blah .. rather you keep living your life than the boring bits and pieces of mine. I’ll give you the good bits later.
and I will tell you why in this current moment I want to write, and it’s for the obvious reasons. I have heard and read stories that make me feel like I am a better person for knowing these. Because I meet people, and I read books and in a lot of moments I thank the lord that I received that. Simply because everybody is incredible, something among many things, shape them and when you hear these stories you are grateful, for the fact somebody was courageous to speak, and you were the lucky person that listened. And then we go on carrying these stories of other people. Just like that. We are bonded with people that are merely strangers. Yet maybe you will mention that stranger or maybe you will do something slightly different because of them.
I think maybe through my experiences another person may find peace that their not alone in this world. And that’s all I want, for everybody to know that they’re not alone, they are loved, and the sun will set and rise again and life, it goes on.
May god bless you.
Courtney Jean x