You aren’t fat. You have fat.

“I’m fat.” That disgusting, tiny, evil sentence. Those two words, can ruin an entire day.

After years of fighting this fat mind battle. I am constantly reminding myself. ‘I have fat, I’m not fat, because there is so much more to me and to every other human out there. A heart, kindness, humor, strength, a mind that knows better.’ 

Everyday I wake up, aiming to be better, to start right and end better. Exercise, sweat, fresh air, breakfast, be active, pay attention, learn, eat clean foods, sleep well. Do it all over again. Gosh, that is easy to write. Today is a day I went to war with myself. After so many good days, I am reminded that this isn’t over.

Sweat – Tick. Walk the dog – Tick. Berries – Tick. And then what’s a spoonful of peanut butter followed by more spoonful’s, Just the start of a disgusting binge. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control it. Here I am, still needed more food, and hating myself for the damage already done. The binging and the vomiting. It sucks. It breaks my heart that this self destruction consumes me. Not nearly as much as it once did.

I remember the times I wouldn’t socialize, because socializing was calories, and calories meant more exercise, I already worked too hard to lose weight, I couldn’t possibly enjoy food and burn enough calories to be able to socialize. The days I would fill my stomach with water and measure my breakfast, so it was just enough to feel I had eaten but not enough to sustain my body. I lost myself to weight. I lost what I love because I feared fat, I type this with regret, and in hope that if you suffer at all, that you fight every day to not let this consume you. I stopped eating with my family, because I couldn’t afford to be judged, or commented on I was in a battle with one player, that was myself. So instead of laughing with my family at dinner, I went and ate dinner in my room. Away from the people that love me more than I could ever love myself. I stopped going places with friends, because friends eat, I couldn’t afford to be suprised with food, I was on a mission. When you say ‘no’ enough, people stop asking. I went into my own little place, that only I understood, away from anything that could interfere.

I’m lucky that when my self destruction was successful, and I was thin and unhealthy, the people I pushed so far away, the ones that loved me for who I was and not what I looked like, pulled me closer. It hasn’t ended, but I do not look bulimic anymore, so only I know the weight of this game. Just like today, I will wake up and try and treat my body more like a temple and less like a garbage. I will think about my health over my thighs. I will do better, aim to work harder, be stronger and tomorrow I will breathe in fresh air, and I will laugh a little. Because this is life, and I will be damned if I carry this self hate to the grave.

For anybody reading this, you are loved. Not for your weight, not for anything you see when you look into a mirror. You are loved for everything you cannot see. You are loved for everything that makes you, you. You are light, do not let the darkness take you.

Because since when do you decide whether a person is worthy of your friendship purely on their appearance?

To anyone that suffers the endless mind games of self destruction, in whichever form it may be, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and god decided he needed one of you.

You are resilient, you are special, you are valued, you are powerful, you are love and you are capable of more than you can ever imagine. 

 

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