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Trust me, it’s paradise. This is where the hungry come to feed. For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven’t tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It’s probably worth it. You hope, and you dream but you never believe that something is going to happen for you, not like it does in the movies and when it actually does you expect it to feel different more visceral, more real, I was waiting for it to hit me. I still believe in paradise, but now at least I know it’s not some place you can look for ‘cause it’s not where you go, it’s how you feel for a moment in your life and if you find that moment it lasts forever.
– Alex garland

 

You aren’t fat. You have fat.

“I’m fat.” That disgusting, tiny, evil sentence. Those two words, can ruin an entire day.

After years of fighting this fat mind battle. I am constantly reminding myself. ‘I have fat, I’m not fat, because there is so much more to me and to every other human out there. A heart, kindness, humor, strength, a mind that knows better.’ 

Everyday I wake up, aiming to be better, to start right and end better. Exercise, sweat, fresh air, breakfast, be active, pay attention, learn, eat clean foods, sleep well. Do it all over again. Gosh, that is easy to write. Today is a day I went to war with myself. After so many good days, I am reminded that this isn’t over.

Sweat – Tick. Walk the dog – Tick. Berries – Tick. And then what’s a spoonful of peanut butter followed by more spoonful’s, Just the start of a disgusting binge. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control it. Here I am, still needed more food, and hating myself for the damage already done. The binging and the vomiting. It sucks. It breaks my heart that this self destruction consumes me. Not nearly as much as it once did.

I remember the times I wouldn’t socialize, because socializing was calories, and calories meant more exercise, I already worked too hard to lose weight, I couldn’t possibly enjoy food and burn enough calories to be able to socialize. The days I would fill my stomach with water and measure my breakfast, so it was just enough to feel I had eaten but not enough to sustain my body. I lost myself to weight. I lost what I love because I feared fat, I type this with regret, and in hope that if you suffer at all, that you fight every day to not let this consume you. I stopped eating with my family, because I couldn’t afford to be judged, or commented on I was in a battle with one player, that was myself. So instead of laughing with my family at dinner, I went and ate dinner in my room. Away from the people that love me more than I could ever love myself. I stopped going places with friends, because friends eat, I couldn’t afford to be suprised with food, I was on a mission. When you say ‘no’ enough, people stop asking. I went into my own little place, that only I understood, away from anything that could interfere.

I’m lucky that when my self destruction was successful, and I was thin and unhealthy, the people I pushed so far away, the ones that loved me for who I was and not what I looked like, pulled me closer. It hasn’t ended, but I do not look bulimic anymore, so only I know the weight of this game. Just like today, I will wake up and try and treat my body more like a temple and less like a garbage. I will think about my health over my thighs. I will do better, aim to work harder, be stronger and tomorrow I will breathe in fresh air, and I will laugh a little. Because this is life, and I will be damned if I carry this self hate to the grave.

For anybody reading this, you are loved. Not for your weight, not for anything you see when you look into a mirror. You are loved for everything you cannot see. You are loved for everything that makes you, you. You are light, do not let the darkness take you.

Because since when do you decide whether a person is worthy of your friendship purely on their appearance?

To anyone that suffers the endless mind games of self destruction, in whichever form it may be, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and god decided he needed one of you.

You are resilient, you are special, you are valued, you are powerful, you are love and you are capable of more than you can ever imagine. 

 

My star. My Sunlight. My bestfriend.

B.

The person I depend on most in life. The person that is straight up, tells you how it was, how it is, how it’s going to be and tells you if you need to touch up your make up or that you need to change outfit.

Brutally honest, sarcastic, witty, absolutely hilarious, my sunlight and starlight in any and all circumstances.

To my best friend, thank you, for listening in every situation. Thank you for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. Thank you for making me laugh till I can’t breathe. Thank you for not only putting up with me, but carrying my life on your shoulders. Thank you for being my support and confidant during the tough times and making life a good time, all the time. Thank you for reminding me of my worth, and that I belong when I feel lost in the big world. Thank you for walking this life with me.

I don’t think you will ever understand my gratitude towards you, for being you, everyday. Or the joy, seeing you walk into any room and have everybody laughing, or when your crying at yourself before you’ve even finished your joke. You are my person, my favourite person. My biggest encouragement and the devil’s sidekick.

If there is anything I can’t live without in life, it’s you. I hope that I will be half as good of a human as you are to me. You are my strength in life.

May you continue to shine bright, and light up the room as you have always done.

Love Always,

Your Cj x

California.

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Uhh the place that has truly stole a special place in my heart. Very few places that feel like home when it’s not your home. But. California. I seem to be always California Dreaming

This has been the place that keeps calling me back, over the past twelve months I have managed to return endlessly, whilst travelling around America and Central America although I love it and leave it constantly, leaving never gets easier.

One day I shall call California Home!